< SWITCH ME >

As many people know from Hollywood movies of questionable quality, the chances of surviving 2012 are extremely slim. But many conspiracies go further than the Hollywood movies did and give us advice on how to survive the apocalypse awaiting us at the end of the new year.

First things first: What will cause the apocalypse?

This is a tricky question and one that has about as many answers as there are "How to survive 2012"-forums on the internet. Many people seem to think that a dramatic shift in the radiation from the Sun will cause a new ice age (the fact that the ice ages we know of did not develop overnight is just a minor detail, and can be ignored). The increased radiation from the Sun will cause the magnetic poles to shift – with the apparent consequence of massive world-wide earthquakes. These earthquakes will cause tsunamis as high as one kilometre (seriously. One kilometre), and they will thus flood almost all of Europe. As one 2012-blogger notices, "the high mountains of Spain and Turkey will be the safest places in Europe." What will happen to the Alps, since he doesn’t mention them, is unknown.

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Photo: Marcin Szala (CC BY-SA 3.0)
The mountains of Slovakia: Maybe your new, safe home...

Oh, my! That sounds awful! What should we do?

If you are only now learning about the horrendous dangers humanity will face, you are in trouble. Many people have spent the better half of the last decade preparing for the disaster – stocking up on canned food, learning about how to produce electricity, building bunkers, and much, much more. One person mentions in a forum that he has spent as much as $100,000 preparing for the apocalypse... And he doesn't regret a single dollar spent. First of all, it would be a good idea to gang up with some fellow believers so you won't be all lonely when Mother Nature starts growling. Secondly, you need a place to stay: do not go North, as the ice age will leave the better half of Northern Europe covered in ice. Go for high places, so you won't be flooded by the tsunamis. One person suggests that Slovakia would be a good place to settle in Europe, as the costs of buying land and building bunkers are very low. But, as he mentions: "People there are curious, so if anyone asks what you are doing, tell them that you are building a swimming pool."

Do not go North, as the ice age will leave the better half of Northern Europe covered in ice.

After the initial preparations have been made, it's time to think about how you are going to survive in the post-apocalyptic nightmare that the world will turn into. As one 2012-survivalist tells us, "There are strict laws against owning hand weapons in Europe, so it might be useful to buy a shoutgun" (apparently, the weapon laws in Europe do not apply to shotguns). Basic skills like building a fire and foraging are of course also necessary. You might want to join your local scouts to get some experience in that field.

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Photo: Bill Ingalls (PD)
She's got a reason to smile all right... She'll probably live past 2012! 

So... Can we trust these guys?

Of course we can. The people posting in forums like 2012survival.org have thought of everything: they have excellent proof that the apocalyse is going to happen. They are training themselves to be prepared for 2012. They spend insane amounts of money and time on their preparations. And they are many. Very many. Some even say that Queen Elisabeth of England is in on the secret as well – England is not a safe place after 2012 and will most likely be flooded by the gigantic tsunamis (and/or very cold, depending on which forum you trust the most), but Queen Elisabeth apparantly owns quite a bit of land in the American state of Colorado, which, with its altitude and rich wild life, is classified as one of the spots with the highest chance of survival... Coincidence?

I'm convinced! Tell me more about this fool-proof and not at all insane project!

A good place to start is www.2012forum.com, where there are tons of forums dealing with every aspect of the disaster (One topic is called "Sex after 2012", but I'll let you explore that topic on your own...). At survive2012.com, you can also download a free e-book that proves that every myth you have ever heard about what’s going to happen is actually the plain truth.

Stay safe, and enjoy your hopefully not final year on this earth! 

Front image: NASA (PD)

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